Dakota Durango Forum banner

1 - 20 of 35 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
283 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Joke of the day club. (everbody post one)

Splitting Firewood
"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Who says rednecks aren't real bright?!)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
283 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
A pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender says "hey buddy, you know there's a steering wheel in your pants". The pirate says "arrrr, I know, it's driving me nuts".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
283 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
A woman is driving thru the backwoods one day when her car breaks down. Luckily it's in front of an old farm run by 2 brothers, Jed and Bill. They let her use the phone, where she learns that the mechanic can't get out there until the next day, and she is stuck. The brothers let her sleep in their house, and in return, she decides to give them a little "fun". She tells them "this is what we do for fun in the big city, but here, put these rubbers on, I don't want to get pregnant". The boys put the rubbers on and the woman proceeds to school them. In the morning, the mechanic comes and fixes the car, and she's off. 10 years later, Jed and Bill are on their front porch, and Jed turns to Bill and says "remember that city woman what's car broke down, and she showed us some big city fun?" "Ayup" says Bill. Jed says "you really care if she gets pregnant?" Bill says "nope". Jed says "me neither, let's take these things off".*
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
234 Posts
Splitting Firewood
"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Who says rednecks aren't real bright?!)
HAHAHHAHAA not bad.....
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
234 Posts
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel in his hat......

The bartender says "Hey pirate, whats with the paper towel?" The pirate replied........

"Arr, I got a bounty on me head!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
283 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Two redneck guys, Bubba-Joe and Lester were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.*"I have an idea," said Bubba-Joe. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."*"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea" said Lester, "I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."*"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
411 Posts
Two redneck guys, Bubba-Joe and Lester were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.*"I have an idea," said Bubba-Joe. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."*"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea" said Lester, "I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."*"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."*
HAHAHAHAHAHA! I know a guy named Lester!:jester:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
283 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died*and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."*Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out*with God."*St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.*God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who*invented motorcycles, eh?!"*Arthur said, "Yeah, that was me..."*God commented, "Well, what's the big deal of inventing something that's*pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a*road?"*Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but*aren't you the inventor of woman?"*God said, "Ah, yes."*"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major*design flaws in your invention":*1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.*2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.*3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.*4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.*5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"*"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."*God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited*for the results.*The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may*be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but ...according*to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!"*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
283 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
Couple guys go mushroom hunting in the edge of the woods. While hunting ,they come up on a deep hole.Wondering how deep the hole is , one throws a stick and listens for it to hit bottom, and they hear nothing. They continue to throws branches,sticks , pennies into the hole...still nothing. While searching for something bigger to throw in the hole, one of men finds a car transmission. They decide to throw it into the hole.They manage to get it to the edge of the hole and throw it in......and they listen.......and nothing. Just as they turn to look for something else to throw in, a goat comes running and to their amazment, it jumps right into the hole.They just scratch their heads and continue to hunt mushrooms, and run into a farmer . The 2 men ask the farmer about the large hole at the edge of the woods,and he wasn't aware of the hole, but told the men that he was looking for his goat. The mushroom hunters told the farmer about the goat they saw jump into the hole. Farmer said it couldn't be his goat , cause his goat was tied to car transmission.*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
283 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
A door-to-door salesman has had a really rough day and decided to try one more house before heading home. He knocks on the door, determined to make a sale. A small boy opens the door, and the salesman starts in with his sales pitch. The boy stood there speechless, and the salesman, seeing that he wasn't getting anywhere, asked the boy where his mother was. The boy didn't say a word and just pointed upstairs. The salesman goes up the stairs, opens the bedroom door and finds the boy's mother in bed with a goat!! Completely flabbergasted, the salesman slams the door shut and flies down the stairs. He grabs the little boy by the shoulders and yells, "Do you know what's in bed with your mother? Do you know what they're doing? Doesn't this bother you?" To which the little boy responded, "Na-a-a-a-a-a-a."*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
283 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Way down in Kentucky, a boy walks into a pharmacy and asks for some ribbed condoms.The pharmacict says, " son, do you know what condoms are for?"Boy says, "Yessir, for the pre-vention of disease"Pharmasist says " thats right, and do you know what the ribbs are for?"and the boy pauses , then says," i don't rightly know, sir... but they sure makes the hair stand up on the back of my goat! "
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
623 Posts
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
623 Posts
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
 

·
American Rebel.
Joined
·
13,460 Posts
Subd. These are Good

sent from somewhere where I'm not home on a phone not paying attention to something important like school -_-
 

·
Moderator
Joined
·
9,489 Posts
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
Bahahahahah!
 

·
Moderator
Joined
·
9,489 Posts
A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder. The woman speaks, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man always eager to get ahead in life chooses to climb the ladder. The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him. Suddenly the ladder he had climbed up disappears and an old fat, balding, sweaty man walks up to him.

"Are you God?" the man asks.

































"No," the sweaty man replies, with a big smile on his face. "I'm Cess."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
283 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees alittle girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs herby the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughterher, under the eyes of her screaming parents.*The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lionsquare on the nose with a powerful punch.*Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank himendlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.*The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the mostgallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'*The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion wasbehind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I feltright.'*The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'ma journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story onthe front page... So, what do you do for a living and what politicalaffiliation do you have?'*The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican*The journalist leaves.*The following morning the biker buys the Washington Post to see if itindeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:*U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH*...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...
 
1 - 20 of 35 Posts
Top